You are currently browsing comments. If you would like to return to the full story, you can read the full entry here: “A Tribute to My Dad, a POW, and a Veteran of Two very Different Wars”.
You are currently browsing comments. If you would like to return to the full story, you can read the full entry here: “A Tribute to My Dad, a POW, and a Veteran of Two very Different Wars”.
Comments
I feel compelled to add a comment because like you, I watched as a parent diminished into nothing resembling the person they once were. It happened to my mom, not from Alzheimer’s, but from a second serious stroke. She had nearly miraculously recovered from a very serious first stroke almost two years earlier. The only residual effects from it were that her speech was just a bit slower and her memory was just a little less than it had been. She regained so much in those two years.
But then, either late in the day of Sept. 25 or early on Sept 26 of 2010, she suffered another stroke. This one on the other side of her brain leaving her with so little viable brain matter left the doctors initially said she’d be lucky to make it through the day. The day went into a couple weeks, then to a couple months, then to no more than six months. They told us she would never walk, talk or eat again.
True to form, she proved them wrong. She did remember how to walk and eventually relearned how to feed herself. She spoke, but sadly most of the time we were not able to understand what she said. She would manage from time to time to say “I love you” clearly enough to be understood. Those are such precious sounds that still echo through my mind. She was completely deaf and either could not or simply would not read. There was no meaningful communication with her and all we could do is hug her and kiss her to tell her we loved her.
We lost Mom just a little over three months ago. She defied the doctors there too, living an additional three months beyond their longest projection.
Just as your dad did not choose to “not be there” by having Alzheimer’s, my mom did not choose to “not be there” by having another stroke. I could not begin to think for a moment about not honoring her, just as you wouldn’t dream of not honoring your father because he was no longer the man you once knew.
And I too, am quite offended by Mr. Robertson’s remarks. People who become ill are not to be tossed aside just because they are no longer what they once were. Mr. Robertson seems to be focusing too much on the happiness of the spouse who has not been afflicted with Alzheimer’s rather than remembering that the marriage vows include “til death do us part.”
Great work Ken!
You are as one such brave soul & I applaud you.
Now Roy Lantrip said; “…Did you actually watch what Pat Robertson said? Or did you run with what the Liberal Media put out.”
(Sorry Roy, but that dog just won’t hunt. LOL.)
Robertson’s lurid B-grade movie portrayal of God (loves, hates, ‘lusts’ and ‘fears’) have been projected- a figment & phantasm of his perverted & pornographic imagination. Total nonsense.
Kind regards.
I agree with you whole heartedly sir. In the end all we have is either integrity or despair. You will have integrity, I believe Pat Robertson is heading towards despair. Thank you for sharing something so deeply personal. Exremely well said, I wonder how he would feel if it was he who was being discarded in the end.
Thank you for following the Holy Spirit’s guidance and writing this. You have obviously touched many lives with your words and brought love from hearts that Pat Robertson’s words wounded. I have lost a grandfather and great-grandmother to the disease and never once did I ever question if “they were gone”. Though communication was mostly gone, memories were no longer there, their souls were still present. Souls are eternal. I am 33 years old and have been insulin dependent for 31 of those years. I have other auto-immune issues tied to it, too. I can’t imagine how hurt I would have been if someone would have told my parents to give me to an orphanage because my body wasn’t whole. It is the same concept to me. Regardless of our bodies, our souls are still here and desired by our loving Father.
As a grandchild of someone with Alzheimer’s, I honestly hope that Mr. Robertson finds a way to apologize in some form. My grandfather was diagnosed in the early 90’s and around 2008, didn’t know who a lot of us were anymore. I’m sorry but to my grandmother, he will always be her husband no matter what Mr. Robertson says. He has probably t never had any experience with this disease and has no clue what it feels like to lose a loved one to it.
Quite some time ago I heard a man on Focus on The Family and it has forever changed the way I look at visiting my 95 year old mother. He shared how his wife had Alzheimer’s. He shared how she had always been a wonderful loving devoted wife. He shared how he quit his corporate job to enable him to look after her when she now needed him. He shared how one day he was invited to go golfing with his executive buddies and how the friend who invited him apologized and said he forgot that the man sharing the story had to look after his wife. The man’s reply? “I don’t have to look after my wife, I get to!” Every time I drive to drive to visit my mom I remember this and Praise God that I “get to” visit with her. Thank you, Ken, for speaking out and sharing. God has been honored.
I have a grandmother with dimentia. She does not know who her family is either. The people that suffer with anything that makes them forget who their family members are still need to be cared for. If the family is not around to do it then there will be many patients roaming around the streets not knowing who they are or where they belong. It would be less likely for these patients to get the quality care they deserve because the family is not around to check and make sure they are cared for properly. We cannot abandon the ones who cared for us for so long, they need our help now. Leaving them in the hands of strangers without ever checking up on them is a travesty.
I lost my mother January 5 of this year to Alzheimer’s. It was so long I can’t remember how many years she suffered. 6 to 8 years. In her final days her mouth was frozen open and she couldn’t even mumble. It was more like her trying to force air out of throat to make a sound to let us know she’s in there. I don’t pay too much attention to people like Pat Robertson but the headline caught my eye. I was nothing less than horrified by what slithered out of his mouth.
Let’s look at it at another angle.
You’re a soldier hit by shrapnel in the back and can’t move your legs. The enemy is approaching. You’re dead weight. You can’t get up and run, your weapon is out of ammo. But you’re alive. Do your fellow soildiers…
a.) Risk their lives and come back to get you.
b.) Just say fuck it, he’s dead already.
I’m guessing Pat would choose b.
My Grandma an Dad had alszheimers an when i went out to work late in life i took care of these people in there home till they were unable to stay.What beautifull stories i have an fun times i had with them.
Ken, This was a touching tribute to your dad.
After watching the Segment of Pat Robertson that stirred you to post it I have to say that I do not think he would ever have expected you to disreguard your dad. I think he clearly fumbled an answer to a difficult question about a specific incident. I too have fumbled comments and needed to clarify my meaning.Just not on national TV. I am praying that Pat will find the strength and wisdom to set this straight and that his brothers and sisters in Christ will cover him with the grace to do so. Hasn’t he done enough right things to deserve a chance?
I believe Mr. Robertson slipped up too as he mentioned it is hard question to answe4. But did anyone listen to the question? The question was a lady upset because her friend with a wife with this horrible condition was seeking companionship. I dont think Pat meant to totally abandon her. I believe the vows in sickness and in health. It is hard ethical question. Everyone makes mistakes on what they say and we dont always agree. So if we are the christian people we claim to )e then we should forgive just as we want to be forgiven. Pastors are human too.
adultery is adultery is adultery…its not about forgiveness…..its about giving counsel to people all across the nation that is unbiblical..and for that God will hold Pat Robertson accountable.
I cannot believe how many pastors are failing God these days…..I would not want to have to answer for lying to people like Mr. robertson is doing…..shame on him!!
I’m sitting here with tears welling up in my eyes, my heart breaking. I couldn’t agree with you more!!
I don’t understand Pat Robertson’s reasoning on this. The unknown author you quoted, knows our Lord much better, it seems. How could any God-fearing Christian, believe that it would be ok to divorce your spouse because of Alzheimer’s? Your Dad was much loved, and it’s very apparent. He is healed now, and enjoying the presence of our Lord! God bless you for sharing this with us. Thank you!
My Grandma had Alzheimer’s. It’s awful. I don’t understand what Pat Robertson is thinking. Would he want all his relatives to run the minute he fell ill?
Even if the person is “not there”, they still know people come by. So what if they can’t make the connection and put meaning to that person’s presence. That someone is present is what matters.
What Mr. Robertson is suggesting doesn’t seem like a very Christian stance to me. I hope when it’s my turn, my family won’t run in horror but will stick by me whether it’s Alzheimer’s or simply my time to pass on.
Ken Davis is to be applauded for stepping up to the plate on this story regarding Pat Robertson’s comments involving Alzheimer disease and marriage.
I do believe Pat Robertson must be coming down with this disease. Pat, what are you thinking–OR ARE YOU THINKING AT ALL. THIS IS NOT WHAT GOD TELLS US IN THE BIBLE. MAN, WHERE IS YOUR GODLY LOVE–I WILL BE PRAYING FOR YOU EVERY DAY. YOU REALLY NEED JESUS IN YOUR LIFE.
Hey Ken,
Loved this precious ‘writing’ about your dad & your family’s experience with this dreadful disease. My aunt had it for 10 years before the Lord graciously took her home. Shane has visited many victims of this disease throughout the years of his ministry.
Thank you for sharing. Shane’s doing awesome- has a mentoring ministry, prison ministry, plus about 5 more! God is opening so many doors!
Take care,
Shane and Vickie O’Hara down in Louisiana 😉
Although my grandfather had Alzheimers in the last years of his life, and he didn’t recognize his family any longer, he knew His Jesus. He couldn’t speak but if he heard those hymns that meant so much to him he would raise his trembling hands and sing with tears running down his face.
That was my pappaw and his Jesus. And my grandmother was there, by his side, until he died. He lived his last days in a state of dementia and times past, with no memory of any of us. But he flirted with my grandmother and we glimpsed what life was like when he courted her…. before we were even thought of.
And then my grandmother developed Alzheimers in her final years as well. She missed my pappaw. And she went to be with him after living her last years in the same fog as he did.
Faithfulness defined their marriage and their relationship with one another. They were two of the most Godly examples I have known in my lifetime. Non-judgmental. Compassionate. Loving. Gracious. True Christ-followers…
Mr. Robertson – and quite a few other “preachers” could have learned a lot from them.
Debra Ferrell says:
“Although my grandfather had Alzheimers in the last years of his life, and he didn’t recognize his family any longer, he knew His Jesus. He couldn’t speak but if he heard those hymns that meant so much to him he would raise his trembling hands and sing with tears running down his face.”
Ms. Ferrell, isn’t that amazing? My grandfather didn’t know his family either, but he could still quote scripture or share a Bible story. It was at those times that I saw the Holy Spirit moving in him, and giving my heart peace at the same time. Grandpa might not have been ‘with us’ in his final years, but he was ‘with’ Jesus even before he died. That’s all I could ask of God — peace for our family and knowing Grandpa would be in heaven with the Saviour.
~ Blessings to all of you ~
My father also had Alzheimer’s for the last three years of his life. He and my mother had been together, married, for more than 45 years. It became more and more physically taxing on my mother to care for him in their seaside retirement house. It took a few months, but I finally convinced her that he would be quite comfortable living in a full care facility less than ten minutes away. We checked him in and he lied it a lot. She visited everyday. Never once was there even a hint that she was anything less than his wife and he was her husband and lover. I was so moved by her unwavering devotion and love. The doctor said that “this will be his home for many years.” But ten days after checking him in, my mother visited in the morning (as she did EVERY day), he had lunch, took a nap, and woke up in the arms of his Savior. I learned so much from my parents life-long romance … to the end.
I believe the vows we take at the alter state…for richer or poorer for better or worse..in sickness and in health.
Not sure what scripture Pat Robertson would be basing his comments on….but my bible does not support his views.
Pat Robertson is CINO (Christian in Name Only)
He’s called for murder,
He’s called for war,
He’s called for divorce (without sexual immorality).
The list can go on, but to all the Christians who have supported this man… think over Biblical prophecy of “false prophets” who will “deceive many”…
This is one of them, IMHO
‘Just wanted to thank you for sharing something so personal. I completely agree with you that Mr. Robertson’s advice and comments were out of line–they have no biblical basis.
I agree with what you have said. I don’t believe that leaving someone just because they don’t recognize anyone is Biblical.
I work at a long-term care facility, and so many lovely people become the “left behind” by their families who think they no longer have anything to offer. But these lovely people still smile,squeeze a hand and push away when they want to be left alone. There is a person still inside even if it’s not the one people are most familiar with.
My wedding vows said that I would be there for my husband in sickness and in health, in plenty and in want, in joy and in sorrow. Not “until I’m tired of doing something difficult”. Kudos to you for calling Pat Robertson out on his blatantly selfish proclamation.
For sickness and in health as long as you both shall live so help me God…..a vow is a vow….to many instant marriage mixes mess this vow up…..its not easy actually its downright difficult so we need to lift up these folks who live with Alzheimers in prayer and in deeds by helping when we can…..
thank you for sharing this!!! My Mama loved and cared for my Dad, “the love of my life” she called him, for 10 years after he was hit with Alzheimer’s. Then she cared for Charley, her companion husband who, due to the beginnings of Alzheimer’s, broke his neck in a car accident and then 10 years later she was diagnosed with Lewey Body Dementia. I took care of my Mother and helped her with my Daddy and step-Dad. Every one of them was THERE, just different. Every one of them made their decision, united with our Creator of when it was time to go and every one of them was deeply and dearly loved throughout their disease, at the end and in the hearts of many beyond their passing. Pat Robertson has done nothing short of demonstrating the smallness of his human heart, a spirit that is still very much asleep and disconnected from truth. Whatever he is trying to justify I pray others follow their own hearts, not listening to his.
I am legal guardian for a 97-year-old lady. In her care facility there is a lady with Alzheimer’s. Grace and her husband Jim were missionaries all their lives. Jim comes to visit 2x a day, Grace no longer speaks and there is no recognition in her eyes. But he comes daily, feeds her, chats with her over his cup of coffee – and has said several times that he prays that God will keep him in health and alive so that Grace will die first – for he wants to be with her all her life. Pat Robertson, how much you need to learn about love! The vows we say at the altar are ‘until death us do part’, – not ‘until lack of recognition/awareness of our surroundings including our spouse’. We vow – for better, for worse. Alzheimer’s can be the cruelest of the ‘for worse’ – but it is also a crucible that tests the existence and quality of our love. Jim’s love has been tried – and it shines like gold for everyone to see, and be inspired by.
(btw, no need to publish this comment – it is intended for your eyes. Thank-you for expressing this topic so eloquently! God bless you!)
I FOUND NO WHERE IN SCRIPTURE IT SAYS THAT PEOPLE WITH ALZHEIMER’S DISEASE OR ANY OTHER KIND OF DISEASE SHOULD DIVORCE.
BUT WHAT I DID FIND WAS THIS.
IF THE UNBELIEVER WANTS TO LEAVE LET HIM/HER GO YOU ARE NO LONGER BOUND TO THAT PERSON.
I HAD TO DO THAT WITH MY FORMER HUSBAND AND ON THE ADVICE OF MY PASTOR AND CHURCH BOARD IF HE WANTED THE DIVORCE HE HAD TO FILE FOR IT NOT ME.
WHEN WE MARRIED I WAS NOT A CHRISTIAN BUT AFTER I WAS SEPARATED FROM HIM THAT IS WHEN I BECAME A BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN IN 1983.
IT TOOK HIM 2 YEARS TO FILE AND HE KEPT PRESSURING TO GO FOR THE DIVORCE AND EVEN CALLED MY PASTOR’S WIFE TO GET HER TO CHANGE HIS MIND AND TELL THAT WAS OKAY.
MR. ROBERTSON MIGHT WANT TO GO BACK AND READ THAT PORTION OF SCRIPTURE AGAIN.
HE IS WRONG AND IT IS NOT BASED ON GOD’S WORD AT ALL!
I am legal guardian for a 97-year-old lady. In her care facility there is a lady with Alzheimer’s. Grace and her husband Jim were missionaries all their lives. Jim comes to visit 2x a day, Grace no longer speaks and there is no recognition in her eyes. But he comes daily, feeds her, chats with her over his cup of coffee – and has said several times that he prays that God will keep him in health and alive so that Grace will die first – for he wants to be with her all her life. Pat Robertson, how much you need to learn about love! The vows we say at the altar are ‘until death us do part’, – not ‘until lack of recognition/awareness of our surroundings including our spouse’. We vow – for better, for worse. Alzheimer’s can be the cruelest of the ‘for worse’ – but it is also a crucible that tests the existence and quality of our love. Jim’s love has been tried – and it shines like gold for everyone to see, and be inspired by.
My dad had Alzheimer’s for 12 years (my mom knew it much earlier). For those long years we all suffered as Dad disappeared and his care took a big toll on my mom. However, the sacrifice she made right up to the end made a huge impact on me. I had never thought their marriage was especially happy and didn’t think my mom was the best partner, but watching her give herself to this man when he could no longer reapond or appreciate her was amazing to me and others. She will always be an inspiration to me now and will fuel my own thoughts if I ever have to face a similar challenge.
Beautiful, sweet, loving tribute to your father. What a legacy he has left. Thank you for sharing the deep recesses of your heart so that others can catch a glimpse into this disease. Blessings on you and your family.
my grandmother said on one of her birthdays and a large family i dont know who you all are but i know your mine.
Thank you Ken for sharing your very personal story! I couldn’t agree with you more. May God continue to give grace to all those families who have been impacted by Alzheimer’s. Bless you all for continuing to love your family members through this horrible disease.
Peace,
Janice
Thanks for sharing that beautiful story. My Mom died with Alzheimer’s and it is truly a sad process for the people losing their loved ones.
I remember sitting next to Mom’s bed just talking about old times. I was looking at her beautiful face and said, “Mom do you understand anything I say to you?” She responded for the 1st time in months, “sometimes”. That was her last coherent response to me. I never stopped talking to her after that, just in case something got through.
My dad also passed away from Alzheimers, it was not his choice. I have shared with many people that God give others the opportunity to show His love, selflessly, meeting the needs of those affected, through this disease. Contrary to this one man’s opinion, let’s all continue to rise to the challenge to honor God and our loved ones.
As an non believer my heart goes out to you and your family. Unfortunately rabid right wing Christians have taken over your religion. Logic and compassion have been thrown out the window. Again I know of what you speak as I have been there to.
It was very sad to here such and unbiblical response from someone God has used. My brother was saved twenty-five years ago while on the phone with a 700 Club counselor. Even with this, there is no excuse for allowing such gross error to be propagated. It is a sure sign that we need to draw closer to Christ who never, ever contradicts Himself. It is all the more vital in this day of great compromise!
I agree with you as my mother is in early Alzheimer’s. I do feel Pat Robertson may be entering senility or even the Alxheimer’s disease process as he speaks with no sense. It may be time for him to retire as he is making more and more senseless statements.
I was stunned by his comment and let him know. He makes it sound so easy to do. You talk of your dad but Pat was talking about a spouse and the loss of companionship and intimacy.
As a spouse of someone with EOAD the thought of years alone while the disease progresses is depressing. It has already been over 3 years and I miss the old him. I think more than will admit struggle with what to do as their loved one gets to the place where they no longer know them and they need total care. Many have found strength to go on caring for their spouse by finding someone to give them emotional strength, bring back life to their life. You were there with your mom but reality is that more spouses end up going the journey alone because their children disappear when the disease appears.
I believe Pat made it sound too easy. Early in the disease it might easy to divorce them, but I can not imagine doing it in the later stages. At least Pat did admit he is not a expert on Biblical ethics although with all his years and with Regent University, he should be.
I hope Pat will research and respond to his blunder. Maybe interview spouses and do more than a 2 minute report. The loss of intimacy and companionship is something all of us spouses face. I have watch my grandmother, mother, sister-in-law (6 years into journey) and father-in-law (25 years before the disease took him) suffer this horrible disease. Your dad went in 6 years – a blessing for him in my book.
I closely monitored my dad’s independent living after my mother’s death in 2002. It was a couple of years into her cancer course that I became acutely aware of dad’s Alzheimer’s. I moved him in with me in 2008 for safety issues. He was operated on for cataracts at the VA Hospital here in Lexington, under conscious sedation (BIG MISTAKE) and escalated to general anesthesia to repair the damage done when he tried to come off the table under conscious sedation with a scalpel in his eye. I ranted and raved to my representatives, to the VA medical staff, to the UK Medical staff, to no avail. Dad’s course after all this escalated at the speed of light and all of 2010 felt I was living with the “living dad”. Dad had moments of lucidity and on those brief occasions voiced “I do not want to live like this”, “I am ready for this to be over”. He occasionally knew me and himself, but mid 2010, that, too was gone. My biggest frustation was dealing with people who did not KNOW about the Alzheimer’s patient’s special needs, mainly the medical community of all things. They did him harm but the VA dismised his case as “no fault of their staff” – they knew better, he was old (89 at death), and “no damages” – so I guess they felt they got by on this one. The saddest component is that they (medical community) were not forced to LEARN from this experience. I would invite Pat Robertson to attend an Alzheimer’s Caregivers Conference and begin his education. People would ask me if dad knew me; my response was clear and simple “I know who he is and that is all that matters.” With Alzheimer’s becoming more and more prevalent in our community, it is imperative that education be mandated for at least our medical community starting in medical school. As a caregiver, I would get frustrated with dealing with dad, as sometimes he seemed to be just contrary; when I learned that he just could not help how his brain worked anymore, I learned patience and an appreciation beyond words for those brief lucid moments! EDUCATION is the key to Mr. Robertson’s ignorant reasoning on this matter.
Pat Robertson claims to be a christian. I do not believe that he lives a very christian-like existance or mindset. He is full of it.
My mother suffering from Alzheimer’s disease knows that I love her whenever she sees me. She may not know who I am but she KNOWS that she is loved.
Having just lost my Dad to ‘failure to thrive’ this past June, he was also in the grips of this disease. My Mother passed in late January 2011 and from that point on, my Dad began his downhill ‘failing’-he knew only certain people and remembered only certain things-but he was always my Dad and always my Mom’s husband. I cannot believe Mr. Robertson’s statements; I commend you for your wonderful story of your Father and am glad that I heard from you….we’re on the same page.
Thank you for sharing…. My mother has Alzheimer’s and even though she can’t identify me by name and at times just stares at me, as soon as she sees me walk in the door she responds by getting up and walking toward me — knowing that I am there specifically to see her. She knows that she is loved.
I don’t mean to be unkind BUT I have wondered if Pat Robertson might be deteriorating mentally … for some time. His remarks caused me to go searching to see if there is a Mrs. Pat Robertson??? Made me wonder.
I stood in front of a church full of people and vowed to God that I would love my husband and he would love me in sickness and in health….I thank God every day for all of our healthy days together, but I know 100% for sure that if my husband was to become so ill that he couldn’t care for himself or didn’t even know me…my love for him would stay forever. And I know that he would do the same for me! Shame on you Pat Robertson and may God forgive you for trying to help people break their vows….til death do us part means exactly that.
Thank you for sharing !!!
…I was appalledl…NO AM APPALLED by his callous words. He would have allowed me to divorce my partner of 34 years, dying from God awful diseases, chemo’s destructive course of mental confusion and complete physical disability. My sweet husband was no longer a virile, handsome man…but a frail, debilatated, needy shell. Evidently I should have divorced him, thrown him to the streets…because we all know Mr. Robertson’s belief (and his ilk) on health care. With his belief our highways and byways would be paved with those to weak and frail to care for themselves. Mr Robertson has blown the basic of ALL Judeo Christian faiths…Do Unto Others as we would have done unto ourselves.
My first thought was that maybe this statement by Pat Robertson is an early sign of FTD Pick’s disease or Alzheimer’s…it all started that way with my dad…these ‘off’ comments that didn’t hold true to his longstanding ways…
This blog hits it on the head that – they know we are loved….and if for some reason science says they don;t…then it is about me knowing I loved to the end, in faith of a committed partnership.
God bless Pat and the future that is before him
Thank you for that. I had been outraged this week beyond words at that man. Not only has he denounced the “in sickness and in health” from our marriage vows, I suffered with my great grandma whom I had known until I was 18. Not that I stated I knew her. Because she didn’t know me those last few years.
Ken, I work in a skilled care facility with many dementia residents. It is a cruel difficult disease process which puts much strain on families. I get that. BUT, if we are able to divorce our spouse due to dementia, can we divorce for cancer, ALS, arthritis, lupus, MS, a respiratory cold, cataracts???? Where does the line get drawn in the sand? My marriage vows said thru sickness and health, riches or poverty. Done. Vows between God and me. No one needs a disease process to make it okay to divorce. The devil at work once again.
My goodness what’s wrong with Pat Robinson? Maybe his wife needs to divorce him…
beautifully written…and personally I think that Pat himself has a bit of alzheimers…
A friend of mine sent this to me. I too have my Mother suffering from this disease and a Father that has cared for her, at home 1st then now at a Nursing home. To my dismay my Father has taken another woman as a “companion” because he can’t deal with the loneliness. He still continues to go and feed my mom 2x a day and tells her he loves her, I just don’t understand why & how he can live 2 lives and be totally justified in his behavior. Thanks for the message~~